Purplier than I thought

I am Jen the Grouch.
Today I ran around with people which was nice but at the same time I felt each hour bringing me closer to a ‘I need to be alone now in quietness’ moment. I really like people. But I really like being by myself and thinking as well. Or not thinking. Or that half not-thinking half thinking wandering sort of anti-meditation. I also like meditation meditation.

Earlier I had dinner with a gaggle of people (okay, 4 other people) and found it one of those debate driven sorts of evenings – you know, the ones that are great if you are feeling witty and communicative but the ones that suck if you are feeling a bit un-social? This one happened to revolve (by coincidence) around things I feel rather strongly about so it was very hard to not get involved in the discussion at times. Left me feeling unsatisfied and prickly.

These last two weeks have been such a roller coaster. My outlook is changing as rapidly and as unpredictably as the weather around here.
What a lame analogy.
Accurate, though.

Today I loved London for about an hour (wandering around St. Pauls – finally! and finding old half demolished churches) but for most of the day I was kicking myself in the shins with the question I’ve now got on speed dial in my head – “Is this ‘experience’ worth all of this uncomfortableness?” – I’m using the word “uncomfortable” because it’s not trauma or anything. I’m not being tortured or terrorized. I’m here of my own free will. Just wondering if this is worth it.
Stubborn streak says – Make it worth it.

I know it may seem (to whomever may read this – or whomever catches me after 2 glasses of wine) that I’m spending a lot of time wondering if I made the right decision and not moving on. I’m trying. I’m here – time to make the best of it and stop double-guessing. But gosh that’s so much easier said than done.

Also I think my heart is bruised (ouch) a bit more purple and deeper than I had originally thought. Pleasant thoughts are interrupted like I’ve run into a coffee table and I wince because I remember “oh yeah, I forgot that bit was broken and that isn’t a pleasant thing anymore”. Not much to do about things like that, though – is there?