Depression is depressing

So. I’ve been depressed.

Phew, that feels better. The hard part for me is always coming to terms and saying outloud: I feel like shit.

I’ve had depression several times in my life – I lucked into some wicked genes from my Dad; my sister and my dad both have very severe/all of the time/awful depression and OCD. I’m lucky because I got what I like to call Depression Lite. I’ve only ever had to go on medication twice – both times I was feeling very, very awful.

I think I’m going to need a pharmaceutical leg-up this time around as well. I hate to do it, because Prozac makes me:
a) sleep a lot
b) jumpy and kind of spazzy feeling
c) not want to make out (my most unfavorite thing about it)
d) chemically dependent

However. Prozac also makes it possible for me to do things like get out of bed on a day off, be able to have a conversation with someone without either crying or feeling like my throat is going to close up entirely, and have some sort of feeling of relating to the world — all of which aren’t really happening right now. I’ve been feeling Medium Bad to Really Bad since January, so it’s time to do something.

Every time I feel the crush of Depression closing in, I think to myself how thankful I am that I am supported and informed. The first few times I was depressed I had NO IDEA what the fuck was going on and it was terrifying and I thought I was going to never feel okay again. But now I’ve had awesome doctors like Dr. Battie (his real name), the first doctor who suggested I try taking medication. He was amazing: ran a total Norman Rockwell type family practice in Palm Springs with a sliding scale, and saw all of the immigrant workers that other doctors turned away. I told him I was feeling bad and he said “then we should fix you,” and proceeded to tell me all of my options. When he finished I was a sniveling, snotty wreck and asked if I could hug him. He put up with it and told me the best way to repay him was this:

“If you ever see a friend or a coworker or even a stranger you feel okay talking to who seems like they are drowning then you should take them out for coffee or just pull them aside and tell them how you’ve felt. Tell them to go see their doctor and that depression is OK and normal and can go away. Tell them about medication. Tell them they are good people.”

So you’re crying now, right? Maybe that’s just me.

I think of Dr. Battie whenever I start to feel down because it reminds me that I’ll feel better eventually and that depression isn’t something to hide. It’s something to talk about, a lot. It’s something that a lot of people suffer from and are far too embarrassed to mention or are programmed to whisper about. So no whispering here.

Also if I cried at you recently, especially in the middle of a conversation that wasn’t at all sad, I do apologize. I’ll be better in a few weeks, promise.