What it means to me

Sky’s about to get on a plane, back to Seattle. I drove down from Seattle just last weekend, leaving around noon on Saturday. On Wednesday evening we talked about how hard it was for both of us to have me experiencing all of these moving “firsts” instead of us experiencing them. I was seeing things, but they weren’t sinking in. They just didn’t seem real or worthwhile without Sky there to discuss them. Thursday afternoon Sky bought a plane ticket and I picked him up at the airport Friday at 9:30pm. We couldn’t seem to spend an entire week apart. What of it?

All of this is weird for me to admit, being that I consider myself super independent and have lived on my own in places far flung, where I knew no one. Needing someone around to make your life, YOURSELF feel complete is a scary feeling. It’s also a wonderful one. It makes me feel married. It makes me feel connected. It makes me so thankful that we found each other and that we can do things like buy last minute tickets and show up to support the other.

So Sky spent the weekend here. We did some serious hugging and walking and joking and apartment looking and brunching and friend visiting and we talked talked talked and as we talked it all became real again: we’re moving, it’s great, it’s what we want. It’s going to be OK. Better than that.

So tomorrow I start my new job. I’m freaked out but much less than I would be if I’d spent the weekend alone. I got some good pep talks and feel whole again.

I’m pretty sure we can make it another few weeks until Christmas. We just needed a little topping off. I noticed that each time I called Sky my husband this weekend, it felt like the right word. Up until now I’ve always felt giggly, like we were pretending and someone was going to figure out that we did it just for fun or something. This weekend it felt real and I felt married and it was as good as it sounds.

That photo up at the top is one that a lot of people took different versions of: Sky and I out on a boat rowing around before the ceremony started. We wanted to walk into the wedding together, and the idea of standing hidden behind some tree waiting for music to play sounded like torture. So we rowed out before people congregated and sat out there watching and listening to them all come down from their houses. We talked about all of the things we were feeling at the moment: excitement and nervousness and gushy gush feelings. I think it’s one of the things that will stay with me for the longest time.