1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Took a birth control test wanting to see a little “+”

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t usually make them – instead just try to say goodbye to what’s happened and think good thoughts for what’s to come

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Quite a few acquaintances did

4. Did anyone close to you die?
THANK GOODNESS NO

5. What countries did you visit?
Italy & Switzerland

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
I will be blunt, more $

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 2nd – our anniversary, and October 15th, the day before Jaime’s birthday and the day we found out I was pregnant

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Going through the very intense, but very worthwhile Eureka Leadership Institute

9. What was your biggest failure?
I think failures can be good, so I’ll say I had a lot of failure in my first year managing and working with some very challenging colleagues – lessons learned are so worth it

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lame hip/spine issues bugged me all year

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Apple TV

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sky for making it through the first few months here

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?
Westboro Baptist “Church”

14. Where did most of your money go?
The very fancy trip to Italy & Switzerland

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Baby, baby, baby (broken record) baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
“Jumpers” by Sleater-Kinney

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder? A little bit, I think.
ii. thinner or fatter? Pregnanter!
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sitting in the sunshine, just relaxing

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Lying awake at night worrying about work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We drove up to Seattle & Portland to see lots of family

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Everyday

23. How many one-night stands?
0 (As a married lady I ought to retire this question, right?)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
We devoured Homeland, The New Girl, and Girls

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
This question is lame.

26. What was the best book you read?
Ha! I can never answer this one, ever.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bahamas (go to their awesome site and you can hear ‘em right away!)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Moonrise Kingdom was fantastic

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 36 – we flew up to Seattle to visit with Indigo & the family

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less stressful work

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
More bare legs, hooray!

34. What kept you sane?
Sky, Jaime, baths

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barack Obama

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election

37. Who did you miss?
Kathy, family

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met too many to say – moving can be a great

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Taking risks means sometimes you make mistakes – something I already knew, but it never hurts to be reminded

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

“Into my arms” Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

It’s roboty, kind of. And the music behind it sounds like it could launch into several different New Wave songs.

But it didn’t.

It launched into the megaballad “Love Bites” by Def Leppard.*

Suddenly, I was flooded with the memory of listening to this song over and over and over again on my taped together Walkman (which wasn’t really a “Walkman” – did any of you actually own a SONY WALKMAN? I always had drugstore versions). We were returning from a field trip to Tucson and I was devastated because a boy I liked did something terrible like talked to someone else or rolled his eyes at me. Whatever it was, it broke my little 7th grade heart. I had a crush on a rotating cast of 3 boys that year, so I can’t remember who it was. It was probably Phillip Hess, because what girl at my middle school WASN’T in love with Phillip Hess? He was our Zack Morris and had the tightest jeans.

I love when memories just flood you like that — I absolutely remember the way the lights of other cars flooded the bus every few minutes, and the feel of those weirdly rectangular bus seats.

Listening to the words I actually laughed out loud in the car. Every other verse is about “making love” and I think when I was in 7th grade I imagined that to be hugging really tight and maybe some tongue. I knew was sex was, but “making love” was a much more amorphous thing and I distinctly remember first hearing it in a Victorian setting, where it meant wooing and talking sweet. So imagining my 13 year old brain trying to visualize the lyrics in a DEEP and MEANINGFUL way was too much and I laughed like a crazy lady in my car during the entire song.

As soon as that song faded, INXS’s “Need You Tonight” came one. I remember watching that with my babysitter, who was like, 2 years older than me. We both craned our necks the entire video long trying to read Michael Hutchin’s lapel pin. It totally said SEX, but neither of us quite believed it because that was so scandalous.

*I’m afraid that I’m starting to repeat myself on this blog, but here goes. In 7th grade a friend of mine, who was super into Def Leppard, was defending them against her dad, who (to be honest) I thought was kind of cooler than she was to begin with. The whole thing ended with him saying “Fine you can keep your crummy old band. What’s a Deaf Leopard anyway? Why not listen to a Blind Lion?” I still think that’s very funny.

I’ve been too busy doing work during work hours and trying to relax during home hours. I’ve been successful at varying degrees. That picture up there is my desk, and it barely scratches the surface of how much stuff I gotta gotta gotta do – it’s Sisyphean, to be sure.

Italy trip is coming soon! I’ve been listening to CDs in the car, but I’m still sure that the second anyone asks me anything the only thing that will come out is: “Sono vegateriana” and “Mi dispiace.” I am a vegetarian, and I am sorry, though not in conjunction with one another.

I’m not sorry I’m a vegetarian, but I am sorry that I never quite learned my numbers in Italian and am thus holding up a line with my general American-ness.

Also, I’m old. I knew I was getting older, but just plain old is what’s coming of me. I have BURSITIS. That’s right. Old man hip action. What I thought was just a pulled muscle turned out to be this epic health thing wherein I had to get a shot of cortisone deep in my hip (I googled some photos to share but then thought better of it because I like you). Normally I’m not freaked out by needles but the orthopedic doc was waving this honking needle in front of me as he explained the procedure. I kind of felt like giving him some feedback about this poor choice in bedside manner but I didn’t want to gack on him. What’s awesome is AFTER the shot he mentioned in an offhand manner that it could cause “avascular necrosis” and “fat dimpling.” Seriously dude? You wait until after to tell me I may have a gigantic dimple in my hip? And what in the hell is avascular necrosis? Necrosis anything is bad, I know that much.

Apparently bursitis is usually caused by something else not being right. I went to physical therapy and the doctor basically said “Oh yes, things are all catywompus here” when gesturing to the general area between my belly button and … knees. So that’s awesome news. She’s given me some short term exercises and a super sexy belt to wear.

Needless to say, I’m feeling very downtrodden in the whole body department. I’m a walker: it’s how I relax, my favorite way to spend a day off, and something Sky and I love to do together. Walking in Italy is just the best of all possible worlds. So I’m cranky, and well, cranky. All this right after my stomach healed from a golldanged ulcer has me feeling as vital and attractive as an old man. Cranky old man! GET OFF OF MY LAWN!

OK, enough of that. We saw a sweet band last night, Bahamas. Our friend Leanne orchestrated tickets to a show long-distance from Manitoba. She called ahead and had an open tab set up for us, and singer is a friend of hers, so we got a nice little song dedication.

We’ve also done some rad stuff like:
1 – babysitting our friend’s kids overnight (everyone survived)
2 – frequent trips into the city for fun wandering
3 – eaten a lot of burritos and other delicious food
4 – baked & cooked a lot in our cozy kitchen
5 – played Scrabble

Playing Scrabble is important because it was my first time. For some reason, I hit about 13 years old and I hadn’t played Scrabble. So then I got stubbornly proud of the fact and on purpose didn’t learn. I’m proud to say my Scrabble Cherry was broken a few weeks ago and it was fun, even if people named Sky take foreeevvveeer to go sometimes.

Last but not least, the night before last we watched “The Beckoning,” a movie that has achieved cult status at my library. Everyone on staff has seen it, and a few scenes were filmed here. It’s, I think, the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of horrible movies. I highly recommend a viewing of the trailer here: http://www.thebeckoningmovie.com/. It was something special.

The myriad of challenges in managing another professional who has hopes and wants and frustrations is mindbending. As is navigating an entirely different system in an entirely different role. My mind is so bent it’s coming out the other side of the couch.

We have a leather couch now. I’m a devoted vegetarian, and we have a couch entirely made of leather. Animal skin. A big couch. I’m still trying to wrap my bent head around that one. It was the most logical choice and fit the room the best. I can’t justify it, and I do find it disconcerting. That said, I’ve bought how many pairs of leather shoes without a second thought? Exactly.

Another mind-screwer? I’m going on a effing TRAIN RIDE THROUGH THE ALPS in a few months. It’s so Van Trapp I can’t even process it. What started out as a trip to Rome (a very delayed Christmas present from a very dear and deceased Kathy) has turned into a trip to Rome and then a train ride up to Zurich. Plus a 24 hour layover in New York just in time for Barry’s birthday at the beginning of the trip. I keep pinching myself. I’ve dreamed often of doing this, but never ever thought it would be something I could actually do. Right now I’m feeling that feeling I felt during the first half of our wedding weekend: any second now someone is going to realize we aren’t real adults and make us stop.

Also the sunshine keeps popping up every day. If it’s gone one day, it’s there the next morning. My brain uses about 5% of its capacity marveling about this, 24 hours a day.

In other life events, the cats went outside for the first time a few days ago. It was a study in personalities: Gus hightailed it through a hole in the fence into the neighbor’s yard in .05 seconds, while Lola spent an hour smelling and exploring a 4 foot radius outside the door while taking frequent breaks to go inside. And people say babies are more interesting than cats! Pshaw!

This experiment (me moving a month and a half before Sky & the cats) was good for me and for us. I tend to think of myself as tougher, stronger, and braver than I am, sometimes. Or at least, I expect a lot from myself often. It was a good reality check to feel lonely and to wish Sky could be here pretty much every second. It was good to feel his absence and to know that I’d be 100% more ME with him here. At the same time, I did it, and so did he, and that’s pretty rad.

I didn’t make it smoothly, though. I managed to get a nasty ulcer which was humbling. Usually in touch with my body, it took me eating something I didn’t even like (gross stale cookies in the break room) for me to realize that my stomach had been hurting for weeks and that food was the only thing that made it feel better. Woopsie. I guess sometimes your body needs to bring out the huge hammer and hit you over the head to remind you to take care of yourself. Even then, I put off going to a doctor and figured I’d take care of it when I had more time. You can probably guess this was a bad idea: one afternoon I had to go to the Emergency Room by myself which was pretty scary. There were tests and IVs and I felt all drugged out and disoriented and really, really sick.

And then, out of the mist, came Jaime who drove over the second she got my voicemail. She sat with me and asked the doctor questions and drove me home and spent the night. I remembered why moving here was something we were so keen on: our closest, oldest friends live here. The ones we can call. The ones that will hold our hands and talk to us while they take the IV out. I’m not saying I didn’t have some great friends in Seattle – I did and do. It’s more that Jaime is someone I have known for so long and been through so much with, that I would never hesitate to call her for help, ever. She’s seen me at my absolute worst and my ultimate best. And I know the same goes for her.

So now I’m here with one day left: Sky and the cats are winding their way down I-5 to join me. I’ve got three days off of work in a row, which is magnificent. I’m still getting the hang of being a boss (something I’ll write more about later, I’m sure). But I’m working with kids again, and meeting parents, and talking to school teachers and doing the things I love. I forgot how rewarding my profession can be – it’s good to be reminded.

Today I’m sharing with you some photos from our honeymoon: the result of Sky trying to teach me how to pose for the camera. Sky should know because he’s been a male model.* He told me to look “dead inside” and then demonstrated for me.

I tried it.

Sky commentary: You look pissed.

Sky commentary: This looks very 'Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret'

And then he said “More artistic, less autistic.” Which. Well.

And we’re done.

——————————————–
* He was “dude who works so hard he falls asleep at his desk” in a SOMA spread in the late 1990s. He had Vaseline all over his face so he was a very sensual looking sleepy dude who works so hard he falls asleep at his desk. Needless to say, this comes up a lot.

Geez, that’s ubneilevable. Kudos and such.

You put the lime in the cooncut and drink the article up.

Deadly accutrae answer. You’ve hit the bullseye!

The paragon of undersatnidng these issues is right here!

——————————

Funny, it wasn’t until I pasted these in here that I noticed each of them has a misspelling. At first I just noticed the “accutrea answer” one, which was funny enough on its own.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Got married, that’s what.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Probably I did not. I don’t remember them, but it was a busy year and a lot fell through the cracks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
THANK GOODNESS NO

5. What countries did you visit?
N/A

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Sunshine!

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 2nd, for the obvious getting-married reasons

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Interviewing for and landing a job during my honeymoon and then moving down here to start it, in a short span of time

9. What was your biggest failure?
The Thank You cards, as I knew they would be

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I spent last evening in the Emergency Room which sucked, but was told it’s (just) an ulcer

11. What was the best thing you bought?
All of the Kahina Giving Beauty products – they are A+

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Awesome friends who supported us and helped us celebrate our wedding and our lives

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?
Un-named girl who got too drunk at wedding and said rude things to a good friend

14. Where did most of your money go?
Wedding, Moving

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Wedding! Moving! I’m a broken record!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
“Whistling in the Dark” by They Might Be Giants because we sang it and danced to it at the wedding

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier!
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter!
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Relaxing in-between jobs

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stressing out

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I flew up to Seattle for a super short visit where I saw family, pet the cats, and kissed Sky

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
So much

23. How many one-night stands?
0 (As a married lady I ought to retire this question, right?)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Louis CK is hysterical

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I am retiring this question as well because it’s just weird and sets a bad tone, you know?

26. What was the best book you read?
John Waters’ Role Models

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing is new anymore, I’m dull and dull

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I hate this part, because I see so many great movies! Off the top of my head:
Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives, Melancholia, The Muppets

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 35! We had a nice little lunch party at our house with Katie, Indigo, John, the kids, and Lesley & Rob

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I can’t think of a thing, honestly

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Big hair, bright tights

34. What kept you sane?
Rad friends, cats

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Melissa McCarthy, because of this

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Occupy Movement

37. Who did you miss?
Kathy, family

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The gaggle of cool people having a garage sale in Tucson who had us -this close- to leaving our jobs and everything to up and move there within 5 minutes of being there

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
“Leave ‘em wanting more” — something we starting saying on our honeymoon after a few times when we felt sad to leave a place or thought we hadn’t seen all there was to offer — remembering that there’s always more to do, see, and feel, and to save something for the next visit

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Finding a place to live has turned out to be harder than I thought. At one point we were the top pick of someone renting out a loooovely little house with a backyard and a garage with a shop that we adored. But then some other couple offered the renter $300 above the rental price and that was that.

I can’t write about the job yet because it’s all so new and there’s so much to learn. I know once things solidify I’ll be much more excited about it – right now I just feel like a big empty head that gets filled everyday and I come home and have to stare blankly at walls for a long time before I feel like myself again.

I was driving across the Richmond Bridge this morning and had A Moment. I’d been singing along to nursery rhymes on the CD player for days, trying to memorize them for storytimes. But halfway across the bridge something snapped and I just had to listen to something else. RIGHT THEN. Luckily there was a Sleater-Kinney CD hiding in the 6 CD shuffle machine. This song came on and it so exactly expressed how I was feeling at that very moment that it bordered on eerie. I’m not usually one to post song lyrics to a blog, but in this case, I just gotta.

I spend the afternoon in cars
I sit in traffic jams for hours
Don’t push me
I am not ok

The sky is blue most every day
The lemons grow like tumors
They are tiny suns
Infused with sour

Lonely as a cloud
In the Golden State
“The coldest winter that I ever saw
Was the summer that I spent…”

Sleater-Kinney’s “Jumpers”

This all sounds so awful, right?
It’s not awful, though. I have friends here, and they’ve been around. It’s not a kind of lonely that gets fixed by having people around though, you know? It’s going to be good – I’m just in that weird in-between space where everything’s all shifty moving and settling into its place. Soon Sky’s going to be here and THE CATS are going to be here and we’re going to have a sweet little (it is the Bay Area after all) apartment with a lemon tree in the backyard. I’ll hear this song again and remember how I felt now and be happy for where I am then.

All of this is weird for me to admit, being that I consider myself super independent and have lived on my own in places far flung, where I knew no one. Needing someone around to make your life, YOURSELF feel complete is a scary feeling. It’s also a wonderful one. It makes me feel married. It makes me feel connected. It makes me so thankful that we found each other and that we can do things like buy last minute tickets and show up to support the other.

So Sky spent the weekend here. We did some serious hugging and walking and joking and apartment looking and brunching and friend visiting and we talked talked talked and as we talked it all became real again: we’re moving, it’s great, it’s what we want. It’s going to be OK. Better than that.

So tomorrow I start my new job. I’m freaked out but much less than I would be if I’d spent the weekend alone. I got some good pep talks and feel whole again.

I’m pretty sure we can make it another few weeks until Christmas. We just needed a little topping off. I noticed that each time I called Sky my husband this weekend, it felt like the right word. Up until now I’ve always felt giggly, like we were pretending and someone was going to figure out that we did it just for fun or something. This weekend it felt real and I felt married and it was as good as it sounds.

That photo up at the top is one that a lot of people took different versions of: Sky and I out on a boat rowing around before the ceremony started. We wanted to walk into the wedding together, and the idea of standing hidden behind some tree waiting for music to play sounded like torture. So we rowed out before people congregated and sat out there watching and listening to them all come down from their houses. We talked about all of the things we were feeling at the moment: excitement and nervousness and gushy gush feelings. I think it’s one of the things that will stay with me for the longest time.